This week’s biggest gainers:
Defied expectations by coaching the Bulls to a clinching perch atop the Eastern Conference on the eve of the playoffs. We’ve got some more expectations for you, Thibs.
Repeat after me: M-V-P! M-V-P! M-V-P!
Alinea wunderkind opened his perpetual-throwback-machine Next and parted the Chicago River.
The new Sox ace threw a record thirteen strikeouts in a victorious home opener, keeping him almost on pace to catch the entire Cubs pitching staff in wins.
His defending-champ Blackhawks at least made the playoffs, even if they had to back in.
This week’s biggest losers:
Gallery owner busted for selling fake Dali and Chagall prints. Why do these things always seem to involve the surrealist with the crazy mustache?
Goose Island’s brewmaster unsuccessfully test-marketed a new concoction by urinating into the glassware at a Wicker Park bar. No, he did not exclaim “Budweiser tastes like piss” as explanation.
Che “Rhymefest” Smith
Dang. We were looking forward to seeing you spit some rhymes from the City Council floor. Scott Waguespack just doesn’t have the same flow.
Acclaimed and now-deposed Northwestern prof was accused of lying by the school. Apparently that’s worse than executing innocent people.
Too bad you never got around to taking Columbia College’s “the perfect crime almost never involves letting in thugs to beat and rob your roommates” class.