Hello, Sidney.

You must be real, right? After all, Sunrise Studios--maker of the "Stab" movies based on your misadventures--has its own Web site. You should check it out. It features a virtual tour and an amusing listing of employment opportunities that includes an "Executive Internship" with "Knowledge of various brands of bottled water a plus." The studio has even inspired an anti-Sunrise site, created by the author of the forthcoming tell-all "Stabbed In The Back: The Real Sunrise Story."

Sexy "Total Entertainment" reporter Gale Weathers has her own site, too. You know, Sidney, that Gale looks a bit like the "Friends" woman who married the goofy long-distance pitchman who, oddly enough, resembles your pal Dewey. And didn't Gale and Dewey hook up at one point? The mind reels.

Unless Dimension Films and director Wes Craven are pulling a "Blair Witch"-style Internet hoax, we'll have to assume that the "Scream" movies have all been documentaries. Does that mean original screenwriter Kevin Williamson's soapy WB show is reality-based, too? Never mind all that, Sidney--we're just hoping you survive a third go-round with the voice-modulating slasher in the ghastly ghost mask.

And although we've had a lot of fun--I know it's terrible to say, Sidney, but those movies were really entertaining--we hope "Scream 3" marks the end of your horrific saga. And not just because we care about your safety. No, we also think the quality of your friends has diminished with each new film, from the high of that woman who looked just like Drew Barrymore, to the Sarah Michelle Gellar lookalike and then all the way down to the latest pal who bears such a strong resemblance to ex-Playmate Jenny McCarthy. We're afraid that if the story continues, you'll soon be hanging out with the women who work at that Bada Bing! club. You know, the one Jersey mob boss Tony Soprano runs?

By the way, did anyone ever tell you that you're the spitting image of the girl from "Party of Five"? Apparently, she's leaving the series to pursue a serious film career. Good thought, actually.

Goodbye, Sidney.

Frank Sennett

Newcity.com affiliates take a stab at the "Scream" trilogy:

STAB IN THE DARK
There is horror in "Scream 3," but not the good kind

A CUT ABOVE
"Scream 3" ends the slasher renaissance with high style

A REAL CUT-UP
Third time's the charm in the concluding (maybe) chapter of Wes Craven's self-referential teen slasher series

DEAD LAST
It's frightening what they can get away with in horror films these days

SCREAMED OUT
Big on hype, low on even comic value, the third installment is as goofy as its predecessors

SCOOBY DON'T
"Scream 3" lacks the laughs and scares of its predecessors

BLED DRY
Not even Creed can save the weak soundtrack for "Scream 3"

GRAB BAG
"Scream 3" heads up an odd assortment of winter film releases

SCREAM TESTED
Writer Kevin Williamson recounts his role in creating the "Scream" franchise

ENJOYABLY SELF-AWARE
"Scream 2" is a smart, engaging, high-energy sequel

SLASH DEEPER PLEASE
"Scream 2" makes only a weak stab at plausibility

CHILLING OUT
Director Wes Craven opens up to "Scream"