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WEB MASTERS
When it comes to the Webby Awards, only one thing is certain: Everyone likes the licky-licky

by Frank Sennett
05.12.00

SAN FRANCISCO--Feeling every bit like a pep rally for an industry under siege, the fourth annual Webby Awards ceremony Thursday night couldn't conceal with glamor the uneasy sense that most dotcommandos in attendance may have more to celebrate in their past than in their future.

Their stocks hammered, their venture-capital opportunities drying up and their technological leaders playing defense in court, the 135 nominated sites in 27 categories sought refuge from the market's suddenly harsh realities under the cloak of fabulousness woven by Master of Ceremonies Alan Cumming, who won a Tony Award on Broadway for another show, "Cabaret," about a decadent culture on the brink of oblivion.

But for every spot-on Cumming ad lib and MTV Movie Awards-style introductory clip, there was a moment acknowledging that the law of gravity now applies to the sector many recently suspected could avoid all economic downdrafts.

There was Webby Awards founder Tiffany Shlain in a bustier dress with neon-blue stripes telling the faithful that while the Web once "brought together all of us who hated high school," in the last year the speculative frenzy has "brought in all the people who really loved high school."

There was Cumming repeatedly attacking Dr. Dre and Metallica for suing the music-file sharing software firm Napster in a desperate attempt to protect their creative work from piracy. "They look like old farts and they can't even sing," Cumming warbled during his parody number, "These Are a Few of My Internet Things." Later, he noted that Dre's attack on the Web's info-wants-to-be-free culture did not affect the rapper's "continued support of crack-smoking pimps who slap their bitches."

And there was the guy who accepted the Webby for best Activism site on behalf of Adbusters, using his five-word-limited speech to shout out a presumably ironic "Three letters: I. P. O." This after Cumming took a digital photo of the audience from the stage, exhorting the crowd to say "venture capital."

The wry Scottish actor also took pains to note that calling the Webbys the Oscars of the Internet is a bit of a misnomer. "The Webbys are the antidote to the Oscars," he suggested. Cumming needn't have wasted his breath spinning against the hype. It was clear throughout the evening the Webbys have yet to transcend their status as insider industry event to give Internet addicts the same vicarious thrill the Academy Awards show provides movie lovers.

Where the Oscars are so important to L.A. that Spago tore down one of its walls to accommodate the event's glitziest shindig, the Webbys were criticized by neighboring Nob Hill residents for erecting a party tent in the park across the street from host venue the Masonic Auditorium.

Where there's not an empty seat in sight at the Oscars and fans camp out to see the stars arrive, the Webbys had entire seating sections open and the only true stars the event trotted out--Cumming, Sandra Bernhard, San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown and Talk editrix Tina Brown--came from other walks of public life.

And where everyone in attendance claps for all the Oscar nominees, at the Webbys often only representatives of nominated companies applauded as their sites' names were read. Full audience applause was reserved for such indie darlings as Napster, Slashdot, The Onion, Google, Kozmo and, of course, "I Kiss You!!!!!" mascot Mahir, the Weird site nominee who was brought onstage to present the Personal site award. The crowd even booed a few nominees, notably eToys and Martha Stewart.

On the positive side, even though the Webbys started 20 minutes late and lasted a good 15 beyond its promised 85-minute run time, the event still moved at light speed compared to the leaden Oscars telecast. There were touches of wonderful anarchy as well, from the synchronized rappelling team that dropped down on ropes suspended from the ceiling, to Protest Net nominees showing up in gas masks, to the woman who delighted the filing-in crowd by exposing her ample left breast to the hallway camera feeding images to the oval screen above the stage.

And this was still a night when high-school losers walked home winners, clutching the metal coil on a stand known as Webby. In addition to Adbusters taking home the silvery spring in the Activism category, other Webby winners, and their five-word speeches, included:

Web Stalker for Arts.
Speech: "Technical innovation equals class war."

Video Farm for Broadband.
Speech: "Putting video into everybody's hands."

BabyCenter for Commerce.
Speech: "Thank you, Matt and Mark."

Cafe Utne for Community.
Speech: "Thanks. Come talk with us."

Merriam-Webster Word Central for Education.
A wannabe librarian delivered the speech, using five big dictionary words, including onomatopoeia, which she mispronounced before Cumming almost had to force her offstage.

Paul Smith for Fashion.
The speech, delivered by a knockout blonde model: "I am not Paul Smith."

Atom Films for Film.
Speech: "Thanks to the filmmakers," said one Atom Films rep. Using the fifth allotted word, another intoned, "Banana."

Gomez.com for Finance.
Speech: "Can you spell quiet period?"

GameSpy for Games.
Speech: "Everyone likes the licky-licky."

ThriveOnline for Health.
Speech: "It just took four years."

The Onion for Humor.
Speech: "They said I could only..."

Scholastic.com for the new Kids award.
No one showed up to collect the coil, prompting Cumming to note, "It's called Scholastic.com and they don't come to school."

Epicurious for Living.
Speech: "Is this thing edible?"

Jim Romenesko's Media News for News.
Perhaps not expecting to pull a major upset on the likes of ABCNews.com and the Wall Street Journal, the Web's hardest-working linkalist was not on hand to accept his Webby. The man who grabbed the award for him said only, "I am not Jim Romenesko."

Cocky Bastard for Personal site.
Speech: "Let's play. Feel the love."

Politics.com for Politics & Law.
Speech: "Bear. Wadsworth. Pain. Touchscreen. Pemican." (At least I think that's what he said.)

Nerve for Print & Zines.
After trying-to-stay-vital presenter Tina Brown told the restive crowd, "I've never seen so many snazzy revolutionaries in my life," the winner delivered a snazzy speech: "Shucks. Screw with your minds."

Lost and Found Sound for Radio.
Speech: "Viva las Webbys and NPR."

Communication's past met communication's future when the prehistoric cave-painting site The Cave of Lascaux won for Science. Speech: "Definitely French. Thank You San Francisco."

Evite for Services.
Speech: "Friends, it's time to party."

ESPN for Sports.
Speech: "Thank you, sports fans."

Google for Technical Achievement.
Speech: "We love you, Google users." Dressed in matching hockey jerseys and skating on Rollerblades, the Google contingent then managed to navigate the steps offstage without any major crashes.

Outside Online for Travel.
Speech: "Thank you. Now get outside."

MSNBC for TV.
Breaking the rules like a true Microsoft rep, the man accepting the award delivered a seven-word speech: "We all have a story to tell."

The Stile Project for Weird.
Speech: "Stile sux."

But it was the winners of the special SFMOMA Webby Prize for Excellence in Online Art, Michael Samyn and Auriea Harvey, who stole the show in its final moments by engaging in a steamy makeout session onstage. As the GameSpy winner had so aptly put it earlier, "Everyone likes the licky-licky."

Frank Sennett is the editor of Newcity.com