ARIES (March 21-April 19): In the ancient Hebrew text known as the Second Book of Enoch, the author describes his trip through the ten heavens and a meeting with God. He’s surprised to find that hell is here, located in the northern regions of the third heaven. Why is this relevant to you? Because I believe it might help you understand an apparent anomaly that will soon appear. While you’ll be having expansive adventures in circumstances that resemble paradise, there’ll also be a diabolical area nestled right in the midst of the beauty. It won’t be a big deal or terrible annoyance as long as you recognize it early and plot a course around it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Connections are made slowly; sometimes they grow underground,” writes Marge Piercy in her book “Circles in the Water.” “You cannot tell always by looking what is happening. More than half a tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.” Piercy advises us to use this strategy in our own lives. “Penetrate quietly as the earthworm. Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden. Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar. Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in, a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside, but to us interconnected with burrows and lairs.” It so happens, Taurus, that this is the perfect astrological oracle for you, beginning now and throughout 2007.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It’s Adopt-a-Gemini Week. That means it would be a favorable time for you to divorce your real parents and hook up with some new, better ones. If you like your original mother and father okay but still want some additional nurturing, think about looking for a mentor. Strike up a dialogue with a potential sugar daddy or sugar mama. See if you can track down your very own spin-doctor, grant-writer or stunt-person. In short, my lovable and cuddly friend, ask the universe to send you guardian angels who understand you at least as well as you understand yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Writing in Whole Earth, Dr. Andrew Weil says, “Any level of biological organization that we examine, from DNA up to the most complex body systems, shows the capacity for self-diagnosis, for removal of damaged structure, and for regeneration of new structure.” I urge you to keep that idea close to the front of your mind in the coming week, Cancerian. Contrary to what authorities in many fields would lead you to believe, you have a lot of innate power to figure out exactly how to fix your own problems, both the health-related kind and any others.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Never before in the history of the English language have the words “wildfire” and “devotion” appeared side by side. And yet here they are now, together at last, conspiring to convey a subtly spectacular meaning to you. It’s time, my dear Leo, for you to practice wildfire devotion: to be both earthy and vehement, to blend incendiary style with deeply rooted commitment, to be as flamingly relentless as a wildfire in your staunch devotion to your future’s most potent dream.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I can’t believe I’m saying this, but doing lots of housework in the coming days could give you a big lift. At least for now, organizing the clutter and cleaning up a hundred little messes in your home could directly or indirectly lead to improved health, interesting developments in your sex life and upgrades in your relationship to future work possibilities. It might even free up psychic energy that has been stuck, help you rediscover an important thing you thought you’d lost and remind you to take better care of a crucial connection you’ve been taking for granted.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This would be a good time for you to drink cups of coffee that are half decaffeinated and half caffeinated. And to become more curious and proactive about every one of your love-hate relationships. And to say yes and no in the same breath, and practice patting your head while rubbing your stomach, and embrace your contradictions with big-hearted inclusiveness. I’ll even go so far as to suggest that you may be able to sit very comfortably on the fence as you have your cake and eat it too.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you will ever in your life acquire the means to buy a 12,000-square-foot mansion, a private jet and yacht, your own personal manager and an ecological organization devoted to saving endangered species in far-flung parts of the world, it will be in 2007. I’m not saying this will definitely happen; I just want you to know that the astrological omens regarding your cash flow will be particularly perky in the coming months. But even if you don’t get the chance to find out if extravagant wealth and luxury will corrupt your beautiful soul, I bet you will at least get richer quicker. This week will bring a juicy clue that will show you just what I’m talking about. Pay close attention.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Does anyone have to go to the bathroom, get a drink, or take some Advil? Are there any nagging little concerns that need attending to? I urge you to take care of these or any other matters of personal comfort before we plunge into this assembling-jigsaw-puzzles-while-riding-on-a-rollercoaster kind of week, this swimming-the-backstroke-through-the-churning-waters-of-the-tunnel-of-love-while-wearing-a-medieval-knight’s-helmet-and-your-sexiest-underwear kind of week, this everyone-for-himself-but-we’re-all-in-this-together kind of week.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A Detroit woman became so crushed by despair that she decided to kill herself. Ethel Farbinger’s husband and mother had died within the span of a month, and she felt she couldn’t go on. Retreating to a bathroom with the intention of plunging a knife into her heart, she was diverted from her plan by a vision shimmering in the toilet bowl. There in the water she saw an image of Saint Padre Pio, who spoke to her. “Ending it all will cause more problems than it will solve,” he said. “Let God’s love help you through this ordeal.” Farbinger’s suicidal urges instantly departed, and she returned to her life with a renewed sense of purpose. I don’t believe you’re in anywhere near as bad a shape as she was, Capricorn, but I suspect there will be at least one similarity between her story and yours: You’ll find redemption where once there was crap.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): One of my relatives who was born under the sign of Aquarius once locked herself in her art studio for six months and painted twenty giant canvases all with the same theme: hurricanes extinguishing forest fires. Then she went through a phase when she specialized in painting punk angels with tattered wings swooping down to give birthday cakes and balloons to bums in junkyards. After that she emerged fully into the world again and lived her life in a way that resembled the paintings she’d been doing. She acted like a metaphorical hurricane as she put out metaphorical forest fires, and she went around helping the underprivileged while styling herself in the persona of a punk angel. She’s your role model for the coming weeks, Aquarius. It will be a great time to translate your eccentric dreams and private fantasies into practical actions.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you’re a man, your penis just might grow bigger in the coming weeks. If you’re a woman, your ability to experience profound and poetic emotions will deepen. No matter what gender you are, your capacity for orgasmic pleasure could increase. And this is just a fraction of the advances that are potentially in the offing for your tribe. Buoyant cosmic energies are surging within you, enhancing everything related to your joy and vitality and confidence. It’s as if your animal intelligence is getting a boost from a divine form of lust; as if you’re tapping into a source of high-octane energy that originates in God’s libido.
Homework: I dare you to beam unconditional acceptance at a part of yourself that you’ve always criticized. Testify by going to RealAstrology.com and clicking on “Email Rob.”