The Turn of the Century: 100 reasons why the Cubs will not be 100-year losers

By Tom Lynch

This year marks the 100th anniversary of the Cubs’ last World Series title. Herewith, a hundred reasons why the streak ends here.

North Siders need mercy from Sox fans’ badgering
The team must win before Wrigley Field is renamed Viagra Park
Won’t be able to handle embarrassment of playing home games at The Cell without having won
Weak division, yet again
Because the Red Sox won again, reminding us—again—that curses can be broken
Management had the stones to tap into Japanese resource
The result? Chicago Cubs: Beyond the Fukudome
Albert Pujols has a bum elbow
So Phil Rogers can title his book, “To Zell and Back: How the Cubs Lost for Nearly an Entire Century”
Because the team still might get Brian Roberts
Because, unless we get Roberts, there were no Cubs in the Mitchell Report
They got that Cubbie swagger. Uh-huh.
Felix Pie should be awarded something for his twisted testicle
So Ron Santo can pay his excessive fines for each time he stutters and says a naughty word while trying to pronounce “Fukudome”
Sweet Lou doesn’t seem to have much gas left
Steve Bartman can come out of hiding
Kerry Wood will achieve redemption as the team’s sentimental closer
They’re rid of Mark Prior
It’s a sure cure for Mark DeRosa’s broken heart
Michael Barrett will be gone for the entire season
Jon Lieber is back, and we’re gonna party like it’s 2001
Jay Mariotti actually wrote recently of the “Wrigley experience” in a positive way
Jim Hendry makes deals while he’s in the hospital
There’s a chance Alfonso Soriano won’t bat lead-off and strikeout 130 times
Steve Stone’s with the Sox—the Cubs delicate feelings are safe
Because the Sox are gonna be so bad this year
Carlos Marmol can throw a thousand miles per hour
There’s no such thing as curses
So Bob Brenly can stop talking about the Diamondbacks World Series of 2001
Can officially use the “It’s Fate in ‘08” slogan
It’ll look good when Barack’s president
To stick it to Daley
So Mike Wilbon can achieve ultimate homerdom on “Pardon the Interruption”
John Cusack can make a movie about it
Bill Murray can come back to Chicago and stay awhile
Vince Vaughn can go away forever
It’ll help considerably with the Olympics bid
To give Blago something before he goes to prison
So Ozzie can call Cubs fans “fags”
Wrigley’s new drainage system emptied a hundred years of loserness
Sam Fuld’s fearlessness
Needs to win before Rich Hill wins Cy Young awards elsewhere
They can’t rely on Patterson family forever
Since 1993 expansion: Marlins = two championships; Diamondbacks = one championship; Rockies = one World Series appearance. Cubs need to make it before the goddamn Tampa Bay Devil Rays
No contract distraction for Carlos Zambrano this year
An ex-Cub is coaching the Yankees
SuitePlay furniture stores are offering full refunds if the Cubs win
Hobbits Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot and Sam Fuld destroyed the ring in the off-season
Carlos Zambrano hasn’t predicted a Cy Young for himself ye
Because they won’t put poor Ron Santo in the hall of fame
Soon no one will be able to afford to go to a game
Need to win before Wrigley collapses, killing thousands
Because Ryan Dempster said so
And then everyone made fun of him
Even Kevin Millar
To justify the staggering payroll
Really, they’re no longer the lovable losers
So Fontenot can cut that mullet
They might actually have a good catcher in Geovany Soto
The starting outfielders don’t speak English, won’t be as affected by curse talk
Dusty Baker is bringing the curse to the Reds
So Cubs haters can stop hearing Cubs fans bitch all the time
Wrigleyville businesses desperately need an economic boost
When the Cubs play home games at the Cell, fans will need some boasting rights when drinking at Jimbo’s
Because the Bulls are so bad this year
The “Eamus Catuli” sign in right field can’t go up to 100
Fukudome’s interpreter, Ryuji Araki = secret weapon
Aramis Ramirez will strike out less than sixty times
So ESPN 1000’s Marc Silverman can get laid
So Ozzie lover Mike North can shut up
Larry Rothschild needs to retire the pitching-rehab towel
So drunken Cubs fans can have a legitimate excuse
So drunken Cubs fans can take more from the Wrigley experience than a hangover and oral herpes
Before Ronnie Woo-Woo gets hit by another car…Woo!
So Harry can rest in Bud-soaked peace
So the city can have a Cubs parade that isn’t dubious
So real Cubs fans can stop feeling ashamed of Cubs culture
Must win before Dave Matthews Band plays Wrigley and ruins it forever
So everyone can ravage Murphy’s; and then the Cubby Bear
Because we still have to piss in the trough
When you Google-image “cubs world series,” the first image that appears is of a woman hysterically crying
So we can forgive Alex Gonzalez
Because the Bears are gonna be so bad this year
We killed the goat on the cover (just kidding, PETA)
Ben Sheets is gonna get hurt again
The Pirates have stunk for, like, twenty years
Craig Biggio retired
The Reds have stunk for, like, ten years
Brett Favre retired
John McDonough left to sabotage the Hawks
Jeff Samardzija chose the Cubs over the NFL
We’re protected—cubsblogcoastguard.net
Pat Hughes deserves to call it
Need to win before the team’s owned by a greedy, demon-looking ass clown. Wait a second.
It’s the twenty-year anniversary of the first Wrigley night game
For Arne Harris
To prove we don’t need Greg Maddux
To give Derrek Lee a reason to be here
Alfonso Soriano isn’t Client 10
Next year is here