By Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): The dragon that stole your treasure will return it. Tulips and snapdragons will blossom in a field you thought was a wasteland. Gargoyles from the abyss will crawl into view, but then meekly lick your hand and reveal secrets you can really use. The dour troll that guards the bridge to the Next Big Thing will let you pass even though you don’t have the password. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just described is only metaphorically true, not literally.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): According to legend, Buddha had to face daunting tests to achieve enlightenment. A diabolical adversary tempted him with sensual excesses and assailed him with vortexes of blistering mud, flaming ice and howling rocks. Happily, Buddha glided into a state of wise calm and triumphed over the mayhem. He converted his nemesis’ vortexes into bouquets of flowers and celestial ointments. What does this have to do with you? In accordance with current astrological omens, I hope you will emulate Buddha as you deal with your own initiatory tests. APRIL FOOL! I wasn’t completely honest. It’s true you’ll face initiatory tests that could prod you to a higher level of wisdom. But they’ll most likely come from allies and inner prompts rather than a diabolical adversary.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Since I expect you’ll soon be tempted to indulge in too much debauched fun and riotous release, I’ll offer you a good hangover remedy. Throw these ingredients into a blender, then drink up: a thousand-year-old quail egg from China, seaweed from Antarctica, milk from an Iraqi donkey, lemon juice imported from Kazakhstan and a dab of Argentinian toothpaste on which the moon has shone for an hour. APRIL FOOL! I deceived you. You won’t have to get crazy drunk or stoned to enjoy extreme pleasure and cathartic abandon. It will come to you quite naturally—especially if you expand your mind through travel, big ideas or healthy experiments.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Hire a promoter to create gold plaques listing your accomplishments and hang them up in public places. Or pay someone to make a thousand bobble-head dolls in your likeness, each wearing a royal crown and give them away to everyone you know. Or enlist a pilot to fly a small plane over a sporting event while trailing a banner that reads, “[Your name] is a gorgeous genius worthy of worshipful reverence.” APRIL FOOL! What I just advised was a distorted interpretation of the cosmic omens. Here’s the truth: The best way to celebrate your surging power is not by reveling in frivolous displays of pride, but rather by making a bold move that will render a fantastic dream ten percent more possible for you to accomplish.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Endangered species: black rhino, Bornean orangutan, hawksbill turtle, South China tiger, Sumatran elephant and the Leo messiah complex. You may not be able to do much to preserve the first five on that list, but PLEASE get to work on saving the last. It’s time for a massive eruption of your megalomania. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating for effect. There’s no need to go overboard in reclaiming your messiah complex. But please do take strong action to stoke your self-respect, self-esteem and confidence.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Race through your yoga routine so you have more time to surf the Internet. Inhale doughnuts and vodka in the car as you race to the health food store. Get into a screaming fight with a loved one about how you desperately need more peace and tenderness. APRIL FOOL! A little bit of self-contradiction would be cute, but not THAT much. And yet I do worry that you are close to expressing THAT much. The problem may be that you haven’t been giving your inner rebel any high-quality mischief to attend to. As a result, it’s bogged down in trivial insurrections. So please give your inner rebel more important work to do.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Research shows that a typical working couple devotes an average of four minutes per day in meaningful conversations. I suggest you boost that output by at least ten percent. Try to engage your best companion in four minutes and twenty-four seconds of intimate talk per day. APRIL FOOL! I lied. A ten-percent increase isn’t nearly enough. Given the current astrological indicators, you must seek out longer and deeper exchanges with the people you love. Can you manage twenty minutes per day?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In a way, it’s too bad you’re about to lose your mind. The chaos that ensues will be a big chore to clean up. But in another sense, losing your mind may be a lucky development. The process of reassembling it will be entertaining and informative. And as a result, your problems will become more fascinating than usual, and your sins will be especially original. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. You won’t really lose your mind. But this much is true: Your problems will be more fascinating than usual, and your sins will be especially original. That’s a good thing! It may even help you recover a rogue part of your mind that you lost a while back.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You say that some of the healthiest foods don’t taste good? And that some of your pleasurable diversions seem to bother people you care about? You say it’s too much hassle to arrange for a certain adventure that you know would be exciting and meaningful? Here’s what I have to say about all that: Stop whining. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, there will soon be far fewer reasons for you to whine. The discrepancies between what you have to do and what you want to do will at least partially dissolve. So will the gaps between what’s good for you and what feels good, and between what pleases others and what pleases you.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You should begin work on a book with one of the following titles, and you should finish writing it no later than April 28: “The Totally Intense Four Weeks of My Life When I Came All the Way Home”… “The Wildly Productive Four Weeks of My Life When I Discovered the Ultimate Secrets of Domestic Bliss”… “The Crazily Meaningful Four Weeks When I Permanently Anchored Myself in the Nourishing Depths.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. There’s no need to actually write a book like that. But I do hope you seek out and generate experiences that would enable you to write books with those titles.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you were a passenger on a plane full of your favorite celebrities, and the pilot had to make an emergency landing on a remote snowbound mountain, and you had to eat one of the celebrities in order to stay alive until rescuers found you, which celebrity would you want to eat first? APRIL FOOL! That was a really stupid and pointless question. I can’t believe I asked it. I hope you didn’t waste a nanosecond thinking about what your reply might be. Here’s the truth, Aquarius: You’re in a phase of your astrological cycle when the single most important thing you can do is ask and answer really good questions.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You now have an elevated chance of finding a crumpled one-dollar bill on a sidewalk. There’s also an increased likelihood you’ll get a coupon for a five-percent discount from a carpet shampoo company, or win enough money in the lottery to buy a new sweatshirt. To enhance these possibilities, all you have to do is sit on your ass and wish really hard that good economic luck will come your way. APRIL FOOL! What I just said was kind of true, but also useless. Here’s more interesting news: The odds are better than average that you’ll score tips on how to improve your finances. You may also be invited to collaborate on a potentially lucrative project, or receive an offer of practical help for a bread-and-butter dilemma. To encourage these outcomes, all you have to do is develop a long-term plan for improved money management.
Homework: Carry out a prank that makes someone feel good. Report results at [email protected].